What Does It Take?

remind me who i am .. for real .. still blown away by a testimony on sunday.
"When you go to the altar and nothing changes, when you pray and the cravings are still there and you beg God to take it away" then he quotes James 4:7-8. there is an order there, to submit to God gives the right heart to resist evil. it HAS to flee. Come near to God, it's us that want to keep something of our self even at the altar, whatever that looks like to you and me, and it keeps God away from the healing and the love and the restoration he desires so much... paraphrase i know, but it was really good. oh my son

Here he is, this young man who grew up in this church,  in his new incarnation, with his guitar and earnest determination, clean from heroin and etc, writing music, speaking in public. i remember him as a tatty skinny kid with long hair, seen around the neighborhood with E those several years ago. druggin' buddies.

what i wouldn't have given to see my son up there, clean, whole from the inside out, humbly serving his God, meth and heroin a memory and a current testimony.

hit me on sunday afternoon that i don't believe God can do it. i don't think E has come to the end of himself. i don't think God is going to DO anything, afterall, did He DO anything to save my husband and my family? It was like a stone wall. God, meet the neighborhood, 'hood victorious, God '0'. The way i am treated right now is a lot like how i was treated by the addicts in my family at the time. i have more faith that God can heal broken bones and do miracles for the dead and the living than i have faith He can or will or cares about getting the addict clean.

that is what the dad of this young man said in a conversation, "The last time I saw him he was not the son I knew and I did not recognize him anymore. P(mom) and I gave it all to God , God gave D(son) something that still makes him hard to recognize , BUT so much better and more than I could ever have considered possible . Having your kid be a walking miracle gives your a walk a bit of skip . ;0)"

what that means? no more kid in your home, no more wondering where he is or what he is doing or trying to figure out his stories(lies) since he is telling everyone different things, panhandling his own mom for enough $ to get high. outrageous contempt and disrespect, messes and broken out face and lying to a girl friend who is his only compass. it means setting the prodigal free, kicking him down the road, telling him no more. i haven't come to the end of God's grace and mercy yet, mine somedays, but maybe the  real truth is that i haven't reached the end of my own rope for 'helping' .. alt5hough pretty much all i do is provide him a place to stay, food, showers and laundry. in exchange he is stuck somewhere back in the day when the druggin' budies were running the neighborhood and i was leaving his dad and he found consolation wherever he could.

considering the talk the D gave, it took me back to 2005, when the ex was experimineting with pot again and drinking and hiding it all from me. the shock of finding a baggie in his drawer, then the inexplicable arguments and weird behavior, followed be a short summertime separation. coming back to 2006, my house robbed of all belongings and heirlooms and jewelry by the ex, pawned for drug money, goin to doctors to 'treat' his depression with psychotropic meds and medication trials, a public baptism with his son and a pink slip from work, panic attacks and beercans and yukon jack airplane bottles under the back porch. then came the PROGRAM IN 2007 (teen challenge).

(my son went AWOL about that time), so here is a similar experience to this young mans testimony. the dad going somewhere, getting clean, living a God-intensive accountability closed situation.

the ex lasted about 10 months and then came home at Christmas, leaving the program. there was a short honeymoon period and then it was back to more of the same but worse. a new job and weird phone calls on the verizon bill, disappearances and screaming matches in the same room as the boys. finally separated after may 2008, divorced in january 2009.

i had never heard of meth until 2009 while piecing together the tragedy of the family, including AWOL son who was living in a meth house and having nightmares and calling me at 2 am screaming at me to come back, come home.  it was like a horror movie but i didn't know who ws the evil guy. the dad is now dying from a meth addiction, lost everything i left him, house, truck, belongings. the son has been doign intervention and then getting bogged down in drinking and smoking pot, interspersed with meth relapses, such despair.

it wasn't until E came to live with me (2009) that i realized who the enemy was, what had gone down, why the ex had been playing everyone. He went to this PROGRAM and had no intention of submitting to God because he hadn't come to the end of himself. the intervention was to get relief and distance for us, not him. He went and stayed determined to never bow to any pressure to change, little realising the difference between man and God. He refused to sumbit to God, to draw near, the purification was mandatory, but it was of the body and not the spirit.
Had i know at the time that meth was the drug that he had been doing since 2005 (on and off) i would have never stayed, never pulled him from the PROGRAM, never  never, hindsight. i was remarkably naiave and he played my focus on being alcohol-free, never admitting it was something else. He drugged with his son and passed it off as 'finding out what was going on'. who knows what else after i left.

it was a year, a season,  that destroyed my son, destroyed his faith in God, his love for his mother.

i am living with the consequences of that. disrespect, contempt, anger.

yeah, i should kick him out, save myself the anguish of a fail fail

the example of a changed life in me has what impact? none? some?

what would another program do? He has his dad's example and his own claustrophobia of being in a confined place, he still thinks he can lick this on his own, he still goes to the altar at church.

⁷  Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. ⁸  Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. ⁹  Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom. ¹⁰  Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.

There was a Word spoken over the life of my son, "He looks like a million other lost kids walkign down the side of the road, hitching a ride to the 'hood for a fix, but he WILL be one to a million lost kids"
"The young man you see before you today is not the young man you will see a year from now"

i don't care if i can't recognize that when it happens, if i don't have a part in it as faithful prayer, i jsut want it for him. what do you want from me Lord, What WILL it take?

From Rachelheldevans.com/blog

Today’s post comes to us from Rebecca Howard.* Rebecca is committed to the Church and passionate about calling the people of God into deeper community with each other and those around them. Professionally, she researches adolescence, trauma and faith and how they intersect. Her story today is about how well-intentioned Christians responded poorly to her brother’s addiction. 

I’m not sure when my brother died.

It’s tricky because while in some ways he’s very much alive – he breathes, eats, sleeps and has temporal mass –in others he is a walking ghost.

For at least the last decade and arguably several years longer, my baby brother has been an addict. Alcohol, women, opiates – he dabbles in many vices. All of them destructive. All of them expensive in myriads of ways. All of them symptoms of larger problems no professional can seem to accurately assess, diagnose or cure.

Before you ask, yes, there have been professionals. Therapists and learning specialists dotted the landscape of his troubled adolescence. As we, his family, felt the sweet sensitive boy of his childhood slip through our fingers we gladly prostrated ourselves at the altar of anyone who claimed wisdom—first and foremost our local evangelical congregation (more on that later).

But as his high school experience slammed to a close in a series of disrupted celebrations, we began to face the inevitable: drug addiction.

For many years we lived in denial. It’s easy to do – how can you accuse someone you love of being one of “those people”? You convince yourself it’s only a phase, only one party, only a short span of time. As addicts are expert liars, the line between casual experimentation during adolescence and full-blown addiction often sweeps by unnoticed. We were a good family who made good decisions and lived upstanding lives – surely our youngest was not caught up in that world. But the last months of his high school years brought many events which convinced us this was all beyond our control. We began to grapple with the reality that the little boy we had watched grow up was dead and something new was living in my brother’s body. AddictBrother was a lot different than RealBrother, and we were not quite sure how to get RealBrother back.

After several confrontations, ultimatums and interventions, he chose to go to a 90-day, residential treatment facility in a far-away state. When he emerged from that program seemingly sober, we thought for sure our nightmare was over. Instead it would continue over the next several years – ruining his college experience and possibly damaging his future as an adult. Deception, followed by brief honesty,  followed by residential facility, followed by further deception marked the rhythms of the next few years of our lives. As I type this, he is in the process of transitioning from residential facility number six to halfway house number two. He has been kicked out of facilities, relapsed several times and spent a weekend as a homeless beggar. While he has finally reached the point of desired sobriety, his inner angels seem to be constantly shouted down by his greater demons. We are continuously walking the tightrope of trying to help him make good choices and trying to keep him safe and alive. Trust me, the moment where you have the choice of letting your baby brother be homeless or going to rescue him is not one anyone should have to have.

  As he makes this transition, we cling to hope. We have accepted the death of the boy we once knew and are eagerly anticipating getting to know the NewBrother who will be resurrected out of the destruction.

I could regale you with stories of the past few years: things I never thought I would have to know but do, like the street value of OxyContin or the smell of a detox facility. However, I want to share something especially painful: the reaction of the church towards our family crisis. 

We are a faith-based family. I have attended church services since I was in the womb and have been in leadership positions in various congregations since I was 11.

We are not a periphery family. My parents were close friends with much of our pastoral staff at the church I grew up in. In the past decade I have been a youth worker at several churches, worked at various faith-based nonprofits, served as a missionary and was a seminary student. The faith community is central to the bedrock of our family.

And yet people of faith have routinely sucked.

I have been told his addiction is my fault, my parent’s fault, Satan’s fault. I have been told I am simply not praying hard enough or I simply do not have enough faith. I have been told my life is too stressful for someone to be in community with me. I have been accused of being a bad youth worker since I couldn’t even keep my brother out of trouble. I have been told this is God’s plan for our family and if we just keep persevering, God’s glory will be known and it will all be worth it. I have been told that my suffering at my brother’s choice is simply “my cross to bear.”

None of that was helpful.

None of that was loving.

None of it was the correct response.

His addiction is not my fault. Nor is it my parents’ fault. Nor is it Satan’s fault. My brother’s addiction is a horrible mixture of choices and biology, but those choices are his own and are not a reflection on my parents or myself ,and especially not my abilities as a youth worker. I have prayed and wept and fasted and screamed for God to intervene. And to be honest, I do not care how much God deserves glory – if the last decade of my life was just for that purpose, I have no desire to serve, love or worship that god. 

I needed to be held as I cried.

I needed to be told that someone else knew life was hell and they were sorry.

I needed to be reminded it was not. my. fault.

Really, what it boils down to is that I never needed platitudes and I always needed to be loved. I never needed to hear the casual, flippant response of "well, I’m praying for you" at the conclusion of the conversation. While I understand that is the only programmed response within Christendom to crisis, it is faulty. I never needed to be told that I was enabling my brother with the ways in which we were trying to help him find life. If you do not have professional degrees, do not diagnose people or situations. It helps no one and could serve to damage further.

Throughout the years I have found people who have trudged the battlefield with me. Who have driven me to visit him in facilities and helped me hide from dealers to whom he owed money. Who have fixed me meals when I could not muster the energy to press a microwave button and who have forced me to laugh when I forgot what joy felt like in my soul. I cherish those people and hopefully they know how much. They have mostly been people of deep and abiding faith and I am indebted to them for helping me find glimpses of heaven in the midst of hell.

Community is necessary in crisis.

How can the church be present in crisis?

 By being present.

The holiest thing anyone has ever told me is “I am so very sorry” and meant it.

You can tell when someone is deeply sorry and when someone is trying desperately to end the conversation because they’re uncomfortable. It should tell you something that after ten years of this garbage, I am still shocked when someone looks me straight in the eyes and expresses their sorrow over my pain. It’s like a breath of fresh air and honors me more than those people probably know.

So I suppose that’s my call to the Church: be present, be loving and join in their brokenness. Fix food and run errands, but most of all, provide a safe place for them to feel validated in their pain. Provide glimpses of hope in the tension of suffering and don’t offer answers you don’t have.

Love requires patience and often patience requires the willingness to sit in the brokenness of humanity and groan along with it.

May you find the strength to do that and in turn provide that strength to others.

Above all, may you learn the holiness of “I am so very sorry.”

***

*name changed to protect family privacy 

Ascension the Longest Forty Days

After a completely new experience during Lent this year, God told me i would be walking with the risen Jesus for forty days until Ascension. This time examining the sugar content of my life. sugar being a real substance. sugar also being that which is surface, shallow, unhealthy, damaging, like a sweet tooth, that which causes decay.

For Lent i thought about what to give up. Meat was an obvious choice, not too tough. i welcomed the opportunity to get back to a place where i was happy in eating. i kept it high fat and didn't worry about chocolate or caffeine. then a couple of days into it, i heard clearly the instruction to give up bread as well, all the way to flour. So i did. outside of a couple of muffins and some burrito wraps, it seemed God was assisting me, pushing me uphill as it were. Cooking for the family was tough for a bit, especially the night i made baked chicken dinner, but all in all, i lost some weight and focused on listening to what the Lord was saying to me. He talks all the time, in Scripture, online, through other people, in the small things of dailies, but it is learning to listen at different seasons and different levels that is the challenge.

 Psalm 103 was where i thought i was starting. for a whole month, Psalm 103. Not Ephesians or  1 Timothy or  A.W. Tozer or J.C. Ryle, just Psalm 103. The last bit:

¹⁹ The Lord has established his throne in heaven,
    and his kingdom rules over all.

Praise the Lord, my soul.

²⁰ Praise the Lord, you his angels,
    you mighty ones who do his bidding,
    who obey his word.
²¹ Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts,
    you his servants who do his will.
²² Praise the Lord, all his works
    everywhere in his dominion.

the difference between us and angels is that they DO His bidding, they PRAISE Him, they OBEY Him. But He loves me. who doesn't always obey or praise or do His will. We are both created beings, but the lyrics from Gold Rush pretty much summed it up **laughter**

Well, I dreamed I saw the silver
Space ships flying
In the yellow haze of the sun,
There were children crying
And colors flying
All around the chosen ones.
All in a dream, all in a dream
The loading had begun.
They were flying Mother Nature's
Silver seed to a new home in the sun.
Flying Mother Nature's
Silver seed to a new home.

it's been some really unpleasant revelation to me. yet He has been sweeter than ever. the true honey of the Rock, and angels? i am to work with them to bring about His will. How can i if i don't do what they do..

Maundy Thursday

Origin of MAUNDY THURSDAY

Middle English maunde ceremony of washing the feet of the poor on Maundy Thursday, from Anglo-French mandet, from Latin mandatum command; from Jesus' words in John 13:34 — 

First Known Use: 15th century

The Lord’s Supper

 ¹ Now before the Feast of the Passover, Jesus knowing that His hour had come that He would depart out of this world to the Father, having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them to the end. ² During supper, the devil having already put into the heart of Judas Iscariot, the son of Simon, to betray Him, ³ Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come forth from God and was going back to God, ⁴ *got up from supper, and *laid aside His garments; and taking a towel, He girded Himself.

Jesus Washes the Disciples’ Feet

 ⁵ Then He *poured water into the basin, and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel with which He was girded. ⁶ So He *came to Simon Peter. He *said to Him, “Lord, do You wash my feet?” ⁷ Jesus answered and said to him, “What I do you do not realize now, but you will understand hereafter.” ⁸ Peter *said to Him, “Never shall You wash my feet!” Jesus answered him, “If I do not wash you, you have no part with Me.” ⁹ Simon Peter *said to Him, “Lord, then wash not only my feet, but also my hands and my head.” ¹⁰ Jesus *said to him, “He who has bathed needs only to wash his feet, but is completely clean; and you are clean, but not all of you.” ¹¹ For He knew the one who was betraying Him; for this reason He said, “Not all of you are clean.”

 ¹² So when He had washed their feet, and taken His garments and reclined at the table again, He said to them, “Do you know what I have done to you? ¹³ You call Me Teacher and Lord; and ^[b]you are right, for so I am. ¹⁴ If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. ¹⁵ For I gave you an example that you also should do as I did to you. ¹⁶ Truly, truly, I say to you, a slave is not greater than his master, nor is one who is sent greater than the one who sent him. ¹⁷ If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them. ¹⁸ I do not speak of all of you. I know the ones I have chosen; but it is that the Scripture may be fulfilled, ‘HE WHO EATS MY BREAD HAS LIFTED UP HIS HEEL AGAINST ME.’ ¹⁹ From now on I am telling you before it comes to pass, so that when it does occur, you may believe that I am He. ²⁰ Truly, truly, I say to you, he who receives whomever I send receives Me; and he who receives Me receives Him who sent Me.”

Jesus Predicts His Betrayal

 ²¹ When Jesus had said this, He became troubled in spirit, and testified and said, “Truly, truly, I say to you, that one of you will betray Me.” ²² The disciples began looking at one another, at a loss to know of which one He was speaking. ²³ There was reclining on Jesus’ bosom one of His disciples, whom Jesus loved. ²⁴ So Simon Peter *gestured to him, and *said to him, “Tell us who it is of whom He is speaking.” ²⁵ He, leaning back thus on Jesus’ bosom, *said to Him, “Lord, who is it?” ²⁶ Jesus then *answered, “That is the one for whom I shall dip the morsel and give it to him.” So when He had dipped the morsel, He *took and *gave it to Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot. ²⁷ After the morsel, Satan then entered into him. Therefore Jesus *said to him, “What you do, do quickly.” ²⁸ Now no one of those reclining at the table knew for what purpose He had said this to him. ²⁹ For some were supposing, because Judas had the money box, that Jesus was saying to him, “Buy the things we have need of for the feast”; or else, that he should give something to the poor. ³⁰ So after receiving the morsel he went out immediately; and it was night.

 ³¹ Therefore when he had gone out, Jesus *said, “Now is the Son of Man glorified, and God is glorified in Him; ³² if God is glorified in Him, God will also glorify Him in Himself, and will glorify Him immediately. ³³ Little children, I am with you a little while longer. You will seek Me; and as I said to the Jews, now I also say to you, ‘Where I am going, you cannot come.’ ³⁴ A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. ³⁵ By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

 ³⁶ Simon Peter *said to Him, “Lord, where are You going?” Jesus answered, “Where I go, you cannot follow Me now; but you will follow later.” ³⁷ Peter *said to Him, “Lord, why can I not follow You right now? I will lay down my life for You.” ³⁸ Jesus *answered, “Will you lay down your life for Me? Truly, truly, I say to you, a rooster will not crow until you deny Me three times.

Passover-Bitter and Sweet

APRIL 6-14, 2012 PESACH, passover

the bitter and the sweet on one plate. There's a lot of pain, but a lot more healing, there's a lot of trouble but a lot more peace. there's a lot of hate, but a lot more loving. threr's a lot of sin but a lot more grace. (godfrey birtill)

the praise chorus and the song "beauty for ashes", says that sorrow and suffering bring wholeness and healing. He gives beauty for ashes, Strength for fear, Gladness for mourning, Peace for despair.

opposite but not equal tensions, definitions, reactions, innate conditions of being human versus the innate indwelling of the river of life...

When does God win? walking a 40 day journey this lent season has been spotty at best, marvelous at least. i would submit that i do not actually seek God. not really. because if i found Him, what would He require? more than the scripture in Micah? more than Jesus on the cross? more than beauty for ashes? you get my drift.

i was exhorting a new believer and a really impacted 45 year old to seek God, do the internal work to fix what is wrong with his identity. That it is a lot harder than maintaining the internal staus quo and hating every minute of looking in the mirror = that is the real journey. For me. for you.

Passover to me this year is really precious because i think that connecting the dots between my current Kingdom status and the grafted in Gentile heritage is part of the journey. Plus, i have been attending church again, gack. a church that is caught in an upheaval between the settlers and the pioneers(Brendan Manning) and doesn't celebrate Easter per se. But gotta have the easter egg hunt and do outreach. whatever. 

So i am on my own with God to look at my identity and the interal dialogue He always has running with me to get me to reach out to Him so He can come close. Put His mark on my doorway, keep me from death, keep my eyes on the Lamb who was sacrificed and to keep me from evil so that i might not cause pain. that His hand would be with me and bless me.

From jewishwoman.org
http://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/1799937/jewish/Freeing-Ourselves-From-Ourselves.htm

I think I really fear needing to go through everything, to sort through things and re-evaluate what is necessary and what is not.

More so, cleaning for Passover is not just a spring cleaning. (But hey, who are we kidding? If I am going to clean, I might as well go through everything!) But really, cleaning for Passover is about finding the chametz, finding what is leavened. And the idea of something leavened is that it rises, it has air . . . basically, it has ego.

The categories really do define it. it's about deliverance, freedom from guilt, my utmost for His highest. But not on any terms i can really even fathom, just eat of the meal i am commanded and trust in Him alone.

Godfrey Birtill "I Will Stand"

Though I Sleep(More on the Same Theme)

It was a two part thought.

Though I sleep,
My heart is awake
Though it's night, on You I wait
(Repeat)

It's been a long night,
And I am weary
It's been a long time,
And I am hungry

So I'll wait in the stillness again
I'll wait in the quiet again

When I heard Your voice
When You said my name
When I heard Your voice
My heart it yearned
(Repeat)
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/misty-edwards-i-am-yours-lyrics.html ]
In the middle of the night
In the middle of the night
In the middle of the night
My heart it yearns
(Repeat)

Though You're far away,
Still I'm here to say
I am Yours, I am Yours
And when You feel so far away,
Still I am here to say:

I am Yours, I am Yours
(Repeat x 3 set)

And I pay my vows,
No turning around
I'm burn the bridges that can't be found
(Repeat)

For when I heard Your voice
And You said my name
When I heard Your voice
My heart it yearned…
For You…

learned this for music at church and it really struck me how God's love is so personal. The gal who picks the music said she had tried to introduce it four years ago but "i guess people weren't ready for the idea of intimacy".

Are we ever ready for this kind of love? Where in the middle of the night, He comes to us, whispering for us to come to Him? To bring it all to him, the worries, the fears, the needs, the things that get big in the dark, that we keep at bay during the day.

WE keep the thoughts away with everything from Facebook to texting to listening to music. There's also the classic cooking, eating, going out, working too much, shopping. whatever it takes to fill that eternally shaped hole that yearns and longs for something authentic.

When i wake up in the night and most of them are long even if they are short on sleep, my heart yearns for You. More word, more knowing, more moving in Him. Sometimes in the middle of the night God does seem far away, removed from the problems and 'stuff' that are the dailies. This too shall pass is only good for a certain number of nights, then it comes in like a crashing wave, waking up in a panic knowing with all certainty that life is fragile, that time is short, that i'm getting old, that my legacy is unachieved, unfulfilled, wondering how God could possibly be pleased with me, when the list of what is undone is so long and the list of what i know(faith)(trust) is so short.

in those times, i say, "I am Yours' because i know that is true even if everything else is a lie. "Please comfort me where there is no comfort"

Other nights He is very close to me, there is no lists, but i yearn for a pointer, a direction, a sense of His presence. I feel the obstacles are mine,  unwittingly coming between what i want most in this world and what actually plays out.

i am hungry to hear my name spoken like i am adored for real, i have a lot of things that keep me from hearing Him say my name, He calls me by name. There;s a lot of scripture bits that are coming to my mind right now, but they were the dream of what i couldn't fathom, until one touch from the king changed me forever.

A friend(cyber) took some time off Facebook to get some intimate time with God. this is what he said, "I walked home this evening with a thankful heart. Thankful to God, and thankful for the people I've been immensely blessed to cross paths with. My thanking led me back to a theme that's crossed my mind frequently this week, and (conclusively) it's essentially this:

Like art, intimacy is who I'm fashioned and crafted to be. Art isn't a moment, because like oxygen, one gasp of air isn't enough to keep me. And in this, I realized that intimacy isn't an event..it's just there all the while long.

Intimacy, identity, and destiny are interwoven gems of The Kingdom. I can't have real intimacy momentarily, nor periodically....There's no middle ground with destiny. The proverbial 'fence' that facilitates the comfort zoning of a life in the absence of passion; .. but what I'm talking about, is decidedly wanting to play it safe in the middle. So there..that's 3-for-3, right? Right. There's just no 'in-betweens' when it comes to intimacy, identity, or destiny."

Of all the thoughts that I've had this week, this particular one bugged me out the most: Since taking my sabbatical away from cyber space, it's been weird between God and I.  I've subsequently stepped away (albeit temporarily) from perhaps, the second most significant inflow of Kingdom I have. And that's effectively left me alone, at home..with God, for a while.

When I wake up, there He is.

When I'm eating, there He is.

When I'm having a bath, I can hear His Voice over the running water.

He's either in a room before I get in there, or He'll join me soon enough.

He's like the proverbial elephant that appears in every room of my life, Who I'm refusing to address. Yes, this does weird me out, because now it's just Him and I in the flesh. There's no activity from the others in The Kingdom, because I'm effectively in His 'quarters'. It's weird because I'm naked, in front of this Person, and for someone who can be pretty talkative; I've really not got much to say..if anything. It's perhaps a mixture of both insane inner nervousness, and the full on reality that for the foreseeable future, I'm gonna practically experience what life is like without the crowd effect.

It kind of dawned on me later, that the rules of this thing I've got with Him is called relationship. . .And so in all of my panic, it hit me that it is a cause for concern, if I need 'Facebook activity' or fellowship with my beloved siblings in Christ (which I love heaps), [in order] to be intimate with my Dad. In light of recent realizations, that little pointer has led to this realization: public praises of God are not a sufficient substitute for actual intimacy with God. The statuses and notes and comments and posts are all sweet, but if I can't bring that fervour back into a life of relationship with God; then I'm still only being religious...just a really dedicated one.

I guess He really wasn't kidding around when He led me into this new season that I'm in:

"Stop trying to experience intimacy with Me vicariously; through the lives of those you know, listen to, and read about."

--(Tuesday 6th December 2011 - 11:01pm)"

This is really important to GET. This is from a 22 yr old young man who goes by the handle Pässion Scribe Lyriic, that would be lie-reek :-),
https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150697427447619

anything and everything to keep away from God.

So denying intimacy while claiming his name is not going to work in the Kingdom. PSL is correct, the three go hand in hand. WE were made to yearn for Him. When it's only Him and me, it can get really weird, beautiful, it's a dance with love

March 18, 2012 a quiet talk

with God. a hard start to a hard season. haven't felt much like writing, have been playing music, have been reading a lot online and keeping up with my paper journal. have been reading in psalms and isaiah for the lent season. stuck on psalm 103.. haven't memorized it yet.

but today something clicked. its been percolating for some time. so here is an excerpt from S.D. Gordon's devotional, called, "Quiet Talks".

S D Gordon (1859-1936) wrote more than 25 devotional books, most of which included the phrase "Quiet Talks" in the title. His first book sold more than 500,000 copies over 40 years.

Though S D Gordon never achieved any academic degrees, though he was never ordained as a pastor, he was a much in demand, much loved, speaker of the deeper things of God, and traveled extensively sharing profound spiritual truths in simple ways.

i remember my mom using the little book in the evening sometimes to try and shape my unruly character and give me peace where there was no peace in the nurturing part of the 'family'. little did she know that intercession would be my vocation and calling throughout my christian adult life to varying degrees and extents, regardless of the fleshly concerns and the way i lived my day-to-day life. a journey, hey. so here are some excerpts and then my train of thought right thereafter.

Joy D. made a digital keepsake from her mom's favorite inspirational papers

"Love is ambitious. God is love. And therefore God is ambitious for us. In the best sense of the word He is ambitious for our lives. The old impression has been that salvation is for the soul, and for heaven. Well it is for the soul, and it is for heaven, but it is for the present life and for this earth. Some of God’s most far-reaching plans have to do with this earth. To-night we want to get a glimpse of God’s ambitious ideal for our lives down here; something of an understanding of the results of the unrestrained presence within us of His Holy Spirit."

"Love is revolutionary. It radically changes us, and revolutionizes our spirit toward all others. Love is democratic. It ruthlessly levels all class distinctions. Love is intensely practical. It is always hunting something to do. Paul lays great stress on this outer practical side.

Do you remember his “fruit of the Spirit”? It is an analysis of love. While the first three-”love, joy, peace”-are emotions within, the remaining six are outward toward others. Notice, “long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, meekness,” and then the climax is reached in the last-”self-control.”

And in his great love passage in the first Corinthian epistle, he picks out four of these last six, and shows further just what he means by love in its practical working in the life. “Love-suffering” is repeated, and so is “kindness” or “goodness.” “Faithfulness” is reproduced in “never faileth.” Then “self-control” receives the emphasis of an eight-fold repetition of “nots.” Listen:-”Envieth not,” “boasteth not,” “not puffed up,” “not unseemly,” “seeketh not (even) her own,” “is not provoked,” “taketh not account of evil” (in trying to help others, like Jesus’ word “despairing of no man” ), “rejoiceth not in unrighteousness” (that is when the unrighteous is punished, but instead feels sorry for him).

What tremendous power of self-mastery in those “nots”! Then the positive side is brought out in four “alls”; two of them-the first and last-passive qualities, “beareth all things,” “endureth all things.” And in between, two active “hopeth all things,” “believeth all things.” The passive qualities doing sentinel duty on both sides of the active. These passive traits are intensely active in their passivity. There is a busy time under the surface of those “nots” and “alls.” What a wealth of underlying power they reveal!

Sometimes folks think it sentimental to talk of love. Probably it is of some stuff that shuffles along under that name. But when the Holy Spirit talks about it, and fills our hearts with it there is seen to be an intensely practical passion at work. Love is not only the finest fruit, but it is the final test of a christian life."

Terry told me once that after observing and then interacting with my family life and my grown woman life, things that i cared about, things taht made me cry, things that drove me to my knees, "You embody bears all things, believes all things endures all things". it was the highest praise i have ever received from a companion and mate, notwithstanding the fact that my husband had many opportunities to both shape and influence my life..

When we read this whole 'Quiet Talk', it is clear that the Holy Spirit and the River of Living Water is where the 'Love Thing' is both source and final destination.

which brings me to my thoughts:

God has been speaking to me lately, ar at least i have been thinking and listening, perhaps.

that our version of "LOVE" is both the cultural love sentiments of Hallmark and the ancestral remnants of a church religion.  we love to say we 'love things', we endorse Leo Buscaglia's "live, love, laugh", we 'fall in love' and yet there is something missing.

what is missing? God's love(said in a deep preacherish voice) the love of Goddddd. For those of us who grew up in church, we can recite a couple of different verses including John 3:16 and Ephesians 3:17-18 and of course, the LOVE Chapter of 1 Corinthians 13. but it is familiar and comfortable and we think we know what it means. New christians go about in a fog of love, a blush of first love, blissed out until the hard reality sets in that they have to make some changes and fix some things that are wrong and get outside their comfort zone to go deeper. some do. some don't. some talk it, some walk it.

then there is the new church stuff that is all about the love songs and love praise and worship and loving your smelly neighbor and love, love love, all wrapped up in a kind of relevant theology and hallmark sentiment that resembles both the real world(where love fails often) and religion(where love is anything but).

the Kingdom is different. It is a love that i consider the Hound of Heaven pursues us relentlessy and tenderly, where the Lion of Judah rips us to pieces and then puts us back aright and carries us as a shepherd cradles a lost lamb. It is a love that is nothing like anything i have ever learned or experienced or felt or said or thought. it is a desert wind that blows the shit right off my bones and leaves a purified skeleton standing unashamed and un-naked in the presence of a countless number of grains of sand all praising and worshiping the ONE that is IAM, Yeshua in rightness and relationship.

Love is about relationship, not sentiment, not rules, not tradition, not wishing or feeling or thinking or writing or singing. But all those things are part of relationship, if that makes sense, Guess i mean precedent of envelopes.

In our new style of religion in the Kingdom, its painfully apparent that it is not religion at all. it has few preset parameters and when Holy Spirit blows through the house, we are overcome. With what? love.

a sense of eternal love, a yearning and keening and ridiculous amazing love, it is nothing like anything else that exists here on earth. 

caution, when i tell God i 'love Him', he really looks into me and says, "Here IAM, come get more of me" and it splinters everything into a thousand pieces. He really never will leave me nor forsake me, His faithfulness is His attribute of love in steadiness, His mercy is his attribute of love in action, His attention to me is personal and real and relationship. astounding that i only have this through the blood of Jesus Christ who came to earth from his home with the Trinity, became a sacrifice for LOVE's sake, and when he had atoned for all creation, he went back to his home and Holy Spirit splintered into a gadzillion pieces and put a bit of himself into every person forever who calls on the name of Christ. the Trinity IS the river that flows between the realms and it flows through me and to me and from me here. i don't know what it does in the other realms, but since i am spirit and soul and body, i am sure there is a corresponding link there as well.

If you don't buy into the God thing? you are missing some real lovin'

reference: http://www.path2prayer.com/article/288/victory-overcoming-temptation/s-d-gordon-quiet-talks-on-power/s-d-gordon-quiet-talks-on-power-flood-tide-of-power?search=john

Hanging Out at the Manger

The usual end of the year report. a year where my life has been turned upside down. again.

best quote

best picture

best Facebook profile update

best observation

best song

The whole thing is based on Psalm 103
"Blesss the Lord, o my soul

note, march 16, 2012. and that's as far as i got. depression.

It's Winter?

already?

some revelation going on here. some miraculous stuff, but only if i don't believe that the miraculous is the daily stuff in the Kingdom. a real experience of praying for BIG things and then doubting when it appears a BIG response is occurring.

it was this thing in church last sunday, from Pastor: 

Revelation states that "there was silence in heaven for half an hour". Last Sunday it was not half an hour, but it was a long time that silence together with a sense of awe fell on this body of believers, there was no sound, not even the babies usual noises, holy hush fell and then the choir started "We are standing on holy ground" and that explained it: God was here and had turned the place into a holy ground by His Presence: God simpy said "I am here". No words, no fireworks, no heavenly music, yet He made Himself understood: "I am here". And awe fell upon His people.

used to be in times past, when i sat in church and 'a moment of quiet' was observed, i felt squirmy and uneasy after a few moments, observing the people trying to look holy and absorbed around me, watching the faces of grief and need and uncomprehension and complacency all in one place together under a banner which was never quite lifted high.
not so on this occasion. There was a sense of knitting together, of oneness, of a banner lifted to His name in spite of comprehension, fault, need, human-ness. Who can apprehend the living Word? Only Holy Spirit who draws us nigh the throne. How could Jesus have ever left that Presence to come here is something i will nehver understand. even a touch of that Glory and the heartbeat hammering in my ears made me yearn for what i cannot ken. thank Jesus for a pastor who leads his flock to the Sheperd of our souls.

 

It was this thing that occurred the same Sunday:

Today, Sunday November 27th, i heard my son testify that he is miraculously delivered from meth addiction.

ahmm, WHAT?
Free of that addiction? What does it mean? i asked him, he wasn't sure, but the total lack of desire, sleeping monday and tuesday through completely, having some joy, making a right intergrity decision yesterday in the face of temptation must mean SOMETHING!
All the Body at OV AoG that laid hands on him and prophesied, prayed and let Holy Spirit flow. thank you. Dale and Gene and Dennis and Joel and Pastor Conrad for pressing in.
THis is for HIS sake. and eli's sake. that relationship is what matters. a right standing with God and serving HIm is the most important intercession i have made for this son.
we shall see what transpires...is there really hope? i feel like one those investigators on Ghosthunters. "can you make that noise again so we know it's you" "knock, knock" "if that is really you, please knock twice so we know it's you" "knock, knock"

The thing i have prayed for in spite of relationship may have very well occurred. i continue to ask for both the youngsters that they desire and get hungry and stay hungry for the Giver and not just the gift. the casting out of demon meth, the salvation of the dear young lady attached to the young man. Follow that which is implanted in your spirit! Do not go back to the pigs and the cornhusks when all Heaven is at hand, amen. amen.

NW Healing Explosion on November 16 at Port Orchard Nazarene.

J. was led to the Lord by my dear pastoral mentor and friend Michael P. at the NW Healing Explosion on November 16 at Port Orchard Nazarene. at 10pm at night. Then one of Georgian Banov's youth team imparted HOly Spirit to the young lady. She felt her "chest tighten and her fingers began to tingle and her knees got weak" so that is genuine. Her joy has been apparent ever since.

On that NIGHT, my son was high on methamphetines, known as meth. he has struggled with addiction for 5 years of various substances, this being the one that is demonic destruction. it was hell getting him in the Jeep to go, all of us were in tears and angry. He went down to the front, sought out Georgian and next thing i saw, he was down in a headlock at the altar with Georgian casting out the demons. G. commented on it during the service and told my son that no demon can withstand the Kingdom of God.

a turning point for these young people. A word spoken over this young man on Sunday, November 20th, "Don't worry about what's going on right now, God is breaking it off you"
"You will be called Eli the REscuer, you will pull these kids off the street and bring them in"

It's winter. i am broke. i am broken with the sense of His presence. i believe, help thou my unbelief.

the other thing that is bothering me badly, i can only talk to God about. can't publish or blog or journal it. cold in my heart.

Deuteronomy 30:19

this keeps runningthroughmyhead

AFTER I'VE DONE EVERYTHING, I will stand,
With my eyes on my King of kings, I will stand.
I will stand: I will stand in confidence
To see the Lord's deliverance,
Yes I will stand.
I will stand: of this I'm absolutely sure,
I'll see the goodness of the Lord,
Yes I will stand.

Because I'm standing with Jesus,
I am standing with my King.
Because I'm standing with Jesus,
I am standing with my King.

Even in the darkest days, I will stand,
And bring a sacrifice of praise, I will stand.
I will stand: no matter what is thrown at me,
I'll stand against the devil's schemes,
Yes I will stand.
I will stand: upright and undisturbed,
Unafraid I'm standing firm,
Yes I will stand.

Stand, and I will stand with you.
Stand, and I will stand with you.
Stand, and I will stand with you. (Repeat)

Godfrey Birtill
Copyright © 2004 Thankyou Music

The note i wrote on Monday and posted to Facebook got no takers, no comments. i gues you could say i am ahanger on for the ones with time and spiritual-ness. it is sort of a closed circle, almost a group but not really a clique. and with thousands of friends, getting back to one person is marginal. i keep staying with it because it is the only contact with the Kingdom i have these days. Had some questions about discernment of spirits and must have made no sense at all, because it got dropped rather quickly. Like i don't spend time sorting it out first with my Father.

I am back in a place where the daily lives are not in Kingdom. had an immense thought the other day, that the worm in all this relationship stuff for everyone is the sure knowledge that things are not as they seem. Chameleon perhaps, but most certainly a corruption that He keeps me from, keeps my heart from.

When He lights it up it looks like this note. sent to my sons, who think i am crazy or worse, irrelevant

The carpenter from Galilee misses you..momE

So it seems to me...asking for wisdom with my heart and my head, that everybody has to serve somebody to quote the Dylan. If the KING OF KINGS showed up at your face, what would you do? Authority comes before integrity, for the inner control of the spirit has to come under command before the fruit of integrity and freedom show in the soul man.

You want to break this cycle of addiction, bitterness, foul language, selfishness! But you have to bow first. Every knee SHALL at the end. Why wait?

 I can lay hands on you all day long and cast out the demons that play you like a violin, BUT your participation means surrendering, choosing...

Are you so afraid of true love in the eyes of your KING that it is somehow preferable to keep stumbling in your own depths instead of breathing the free air of a SON?

The man who is under command of another is NOT less but more; IF  whom he chooses is the one who can save to the uttermost the spirit man. There is only ONE. ALL others make you  slave and not free.

Choose life.

Get really frustrating to see the son with the spiritual capacity of a giant, being so wrenched around in fear. another son, biding his time to 'make some choices, mom' and one brilliant fierce loyal loving apostate anarchist who will wrestle like Jacob until he is worn out rather than bow his knee as he once did at 16.

the worm in my personal life is grievous and there is no one but Holy Spirit that can be trusted with it. The very 'stuff' of which it is made though continues to shape my responses and decisions and remail wholly true to what my Abba Father says. Kids grow up and leave and struggle on their own, but a mate is for a lifetime so choose wisely, given the facts and the state of my heart. hmmm. i did that. thanks a lot.

Scripture is 1 Cor 2 and Romans 8: 26-to end.

play list is Godfrey Birtill..

Glad October is half over and there is enought wood to get through at least until January, the place is neat and tidy and the bills are mostly paid up. medical bill continue to be a bug aboo.

Second day of Autumn

one month since i wrote anything. maybe there are seasons i don't recognize but the fall time is one of my favorites for a sense of completeness and comfortability no matter my situations.

most of the good memories are centered during these months. the end of harvest. canning with mom. carrying quarts and quarts down to the  pantry with the smell of humid concrete and pine shelves and old jar rings. The western light coming through the basement window and illuminating the jars from the inside out. digging up the dried up raspy melon and cucumber vines. the smell of earth turned deep with a plow. axle grease and wheat dust and diesel. a connection with the season of nesting and burrowing and storing. hard to believe it 2008-canning season ina 20 ft motorhome to pass the time of fear and craziness during a separation divorce is a generation ago. 40 years a little less.

i am sad today. seems to be a time of prayer and encouragement followed by growth and a level path. then comes the setback. ingratitude, attitudes of self reliance and independence for all the wrong reasons, accidents and impositions that leave me weeping in my closet. Change out the atmosphere with music and stifle harsh words and well deserved truth. the reception is gone with the setback. Then comes the problems when one lives marginally. simply. not excessively. One vehicle and one tank of gas away from being stranded in a village where the SUV's and hemi's flow in a constant stream with their lone occupants.

i really still hate western washington. i hate the urban cloak of selfpreservation. an acquaintance on FB spoke of taking a trip through the forest barefoot, yes, yes, yes, i am there in spirit. washed up on an alien shore 23 years ago i tried then and try now to make a life that is whole and sane and loving. and i end up crying to James Taylor and my honey singing because everything is acute. all my senses.

i am completely dependent.

dependent on the thing i call God. the concept personified and magnified and experienced. The thing that should bring peace like a blanket to all the setback and pains and growing to and fro amongst those who live in Sanctuary. Thieves, deceivers, addicts and lawlessness all covered with sight, light, true-speaking and freedom in laughter and love..

Make it so, Number one. i have not even begun to achieve the favor i agree to in Your eyes. praying for my sons to find favor in the lives they live with other people. people with agendas, people in charge of their days, their pay, their learning. always, Lord here are my sons. Like Job i still sacrifice for them, knowing that my faithfulness will eventually be a beacon to draw them to the light i serve and love and live for.

playlist: Cecilio and Kapono, Dan Fogelberg, James Taylor

Responsible for the Repercussion

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” Thomsas Merton

hear this in the morning. Lord spoke to me all day yesterday, an attitude adjustment, getting me to see things His way.. sometimes it is sorrowful, sometimes it is liberating, sometimes it leaves me at a loss for where to go from here.

the author of "The Little Prince" is Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. Tom Wolfe says of him, "A saint in short, true to his name, flying up here at the right hand of God. The good Saint-Ex! And he was not the only one. He was merely the one who put it into words most beautifully and anointed himself before the altar of the right stuff."

this quote means much to me, "

“You are responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose.”

and this one

“Perhaps love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself”

Looking at my sons' relationships or lack thereof with the absentee, non support, non-custodial parent and i use that term 'parent' loosely.. The repercussions of divorce and addiction playing out in the dynamics of "after". healing and growing and worth and salvaging that which was irretrievably changed. Anyone who tells me that separation of a family forever is not hard on the kids will get a punch in the mouth from me. . I have watched my sons struggle with  paternal needs and betrayals and absences, each son having a unique  hardship, based on his paternity. 

Great for moms to pray, great to earnestly seek their children's best and get them to the SOURCE of all things Abba-ness. But i still beg the question of my responsibility for my rose, the one i tamed and cultivated but it bore the marks of me and not my Maker, so the inevitable results looked a lot like my worst character flaws.. spending my love now in leading them back to themselves.. owning my 100% of influence..

I can't really realistically expect that the things i see in my sons that break my heart have nothing to do with me, my lacks, my shaping, my training, my decisions good or bad.

So today Lord, give me the grace to deal with the repercussions of mishandling the tremendous roses you entrusted to me. Protect them from dream killers, hopelessness, fatherlessness and Lord let them be honest if they can't be kind. Shower them with so much love that it chases all the unloving scars away. glory and honor and power to the Lamb who died once and for all, amen.

Although you see the world different than me
Sometimes I can touch upon the wonders that you see
All the new colors and pictures you've designed
Oh yes, sweet darling
So glad you are a child of mine

Child of mine, child of mine
Oh yes, sweet darling
So glad you are a child of mine

You don't need direction, you know which way to go
And I don't want to hold you back, I just want to watch you grow
You're the one who taught me you don't have to look behind
Oh yes, sweet darling
So glad you are a child of mine

Child of mine, child of mine
Oh yes, sweet darling
So glad you are a child of mine

Nobody's gonna kill your dreams
Or tell you how to live your life
There'll always be people to make it hard for a while
But you'll change their heads when they see you smile

The times you were born in may not have been the best
But you can make the times to come better than the rest
I know you will be honest if you can't always be kind
Oh yes, sweet darling
So glad you are a child of mine

Child of mine, child of mine,
Oh yes, sweet darling
So glad you are a child of mine

I Don't Roll That Way

the big I

good manners, courtesy, civil discourse, a helpful demeanor; what do they have in common? Brings to mind the Scripture about the clay talking back to the Potter, the big "I" getting in the way of the potter's wheel.

Used to be, we were raised to be polite, helpful, respectful, courteous. Good manners were the mark of one's character, the face by which our parents were known. Parents of a bratty, mouthy kid were obviously deficient in the 'training up a child in the way they should go' category.

For the most part. . . If you were the kid in question, and lacking some guidance there were strict overt rules to live by, just ask the principal, the owner of the corner store, the policeman who lived down the road and the Sunday school teacher who made your life miserable. .  there was no lack of outside sources to correct all deficiencies in polite civil discourse.

Then it changed.

Casual Fridays and contemporary living, breakdown of the American way of life, doin' it MY way or just DO it, no more church, no more parents, no more school, no more western civ to get in the way of being casual about everything.

For the most part.

i saw it happen in my own life. the little discourtesies and slights becoming habit instead of gracious speech and the extra mile. the wearing down of a marriage, the breakup of a family. Power plays and the Big "I" running roughshod over helpful demeanors and good manners.. until everything was F-bomb this and that. Rudeness replacing loving kindness..

which brings me to a point.

Reclaiming civilization one conversation, one situation at a time is possible. Remembering to say please and thank you and "can i help you"; swinging back the balance to a family and a lifestyle characterized by all those fruit of the Spirit and the fruit of good manners and easy loving speech has not been easy, but it is worth it. Especially more now than ever, when the former authorities of the American way of life are now displaying thuglike, godlike, powerhungry or even apathetic qualities that bring out more disrespect in this very generation.

I promised myself i would learn all over again to affirm, encourage, be loving, use kindness, be helpful, reclaim graciousness. I am fortunate to have a partner who has been raised like me and we are using all those things between us to cement a relationship based on qualities of civilities that were more the norm in our former culture, healing the wounds of past relationships that destroyed respect and left family members walking wounded.

so i don't roll that way no more, no way, no how

. . i am not going to be judging you, maybe you are just a crass or uneducated bumpkin.  Or maybe you never learned what it means to bring your mind and heart captive to the Lord if you are a Christian? Perhaps the interior works of your life have left you in a place where healing and reclamation are underway?

Either or any way at all, i won't be around. i won't be around to be around that kind of thought life, that kind of espression, that disrespectful landscape that is all about Me, Mine, My, big "I". I have worked too hard, partnering intentionally with a person of like mind to let this clay jump off the wheel again and give my Potter a hand he doesn't need.

so you need your spot?

here it is, 'dude', enjoy it. it's yours. no one else can possibly take your spot. Please don't stop and think for a second that possibly that demeanor is a kind of type. it's like clay talking back. Not having a spot would ruin the effect of the music you play in all humility and devotion.

Giants and Scarecrows, Oh MY!

some gems of reflection i found and posted on Facebook. wanted to explore it further here.

"A wise bird knows that a scarecrow is simply an advertisement. It announces that some very juicy and delicious fruit is to be had for the picking. There are scarecrows in all the best gardens... If I am wise, I too shall treat the scarecrow as though it were an invitation. Every giant in the way which makes me feel like a grasshopper is only a scarecrow beckoning me to God's richest blessings. Faith is a bird which loves to perch on scarecrows. All our fears are groundless. " ♡♡"

I asked about the healing issues in my life and the promises of healing and the apparent lack of it even though i know he can heal me at any time. wondering if fasting praying is the key, wondering if He is pleased with me. i don't have a particularily victorious prophetic life. in fact things are sucking big time. the list of known FUBARS and SNAFUS and unanswered intercession is f=growing.. things i can't talk over with anyone, because no one would believe me. . . this bit was the most encouraging word i have had in some time.

"Wonderful... looking forward to seeing you both! The word of knowledge you received from Todd(White) is evidence that you are in God's sight and plan for healing. Believing for healing is not unbiblical at all... it's probably more accurate to simply believe that Jesus paid for your healing as part of the atonement. It is not a lack of faith... you believe that a God-man died for you 2000 years ago, rose from the dead and purchased your salvation, right? How could anyone accuse you of not having faith? The tension in our life comes from what we know is true and what our circumstances are presently. I have zero doubt that Jesus paid for your healing, and that it is always the Father's will and pleasure to heal. In my believing that, it is super important to trust and believe Him and not my experience. The altar of human reasoning is a place where many have sacrificed faith and explained the truth away by their own experience and circumstances. We are standing with you for no pain or discomfort, complete restoration of movement, healing from any and all underlying causes, complete restoration of movement of your hands and fingers, no arthritis!"

amen. my experiences are far and few between and never quite something i can grasp and put my finger on and say with certainty, "AHA! the hand of the Lord!" Like searching so hard for a four leaf clover that  you start seeing them everywhere in the patch but they are not... i guess that is the analogy of trying to sense Holy Spirit with the five senses.. or assign spiritual things a place when the natural rejects the classification.

there was a whole long document online that had some good points. . i guess it was seventh day adventist or some sect like that. pretty harsh on the whole emergent church and the 'movement' 'kingdom' thing. legitimately so in some cases. always a fringe to the shawl that covers.  this part struck me,

definition: 1. Signs and Wonders Movement.
The first bridge is the “signs and wonders” movement (sometimes called the “gospel of power” revival movement). By means of its inordinate emphasis on speaking in tongues, visions, dreams, prophecies, healings, prayer warriors, laughing in the spirit, prayer walks, and other forms of prayer offensives, this movement of the 1980s created a fertile environment for people to embrace a mystical contemplative spirituality.

Of particular interest to our discussion is the Emergent Church’s call for “worship renewal” through “sensory spirituality.” By “worship renewal” or “worship awakening,” they mean a worship experience in which the participants will actually “encounter” God through all their physical senses. Words like these are used to describe this: “multi-sensory spirituality,” “experiential spirituality,” “congregational spirituality” or “sensual spirituality.

I haven't got the time and energy for confusion... so i take it on faith. that 'unshakeable faith' that turned a hopeless abandoned teen into a loved valid expression of her real dad. the faith part comes from accepting my place in God's world, in God's word and acting upon it.. i am not much of a mystic but the mystery that i am part of is delightful.

Wednesday's play list.
Air Traffic: Fractured Life

Define "Prayer Warrior"

adding to this a few days later: the reason this came up is that a person was 'popping off' on a group i am in. about their rights to proclaim that only one version of the bible is okay and other weirdness. i called him on it, no ifs,ands,buts. i said my say and then left him making comment after comment. next day he pulled the whole post like a chickenshit and started random postings about "thou shalt not judge". . i think the bottom line is we are too quick to 'amen' based on our understanding of what is being said without examining the motives of the person proposing or holding forth. . really disgusts me that 'consensus' is mistaken for 'unity' when that's not the case. so i had to go back to the drawing board for myself because discernment is a lonely gift, an upstream thing for someone like me who likes to agree and make everyone feel good. guess i am the opposite end of the wackjob spectrum..8-4-2011

What exactly is a prayer warrior?

someone who can quote scripture to uphold every vagrant belief? someone who 'amen's' every statement for the sake of consensus?

yes, we are to have graceful speech; yes, we are to be oil to an unbelieving world; yes, we are to be gentle with those in error and point them to the grace of Jesus Christ; however, we are called and anointed to be the watchman on the walls as well.

The sword of the Spirit is to cut through the Christianese, cut to the heart of the word spoken, not to accept all who come  without examination without 'judging' . we are most definitely to judge the message and the messenger, other wise we are practicing this:

. Dominance of Moral Relativism in Contemporary Culture. As a result of such ethical theories as situationism, generalism, antinomianism, etc. “Don’t judge me”; “Don’t be judgmental” the myth of “tolerance” Within Christendom, different views on moral absolutes. Conflicting absolutism, hierarchicalism or pyramidalism, unqualified absolutism..

As a watchman this is the discernment one follows:

2 Chronicles 19:6 (NASB)

6 He said to the judges, “Consider what you are doing, for you do not judge for man but for the LORD who is with you [a]when you render judgment.

The standard set in 2 Kings 11(NASB) as we are called to preserve: ...shall keep the watch of the house of the LORD for the king.. Not a stretch at all! the military application of the Old Testament is the warrior of the Kingdom's New Testament.

Nehemiah 4:9 (NKJV)

Nevertheless we made our prayer to our God, and because of them we set a watch against them day and night. "Them" those who attack to throw down, whose purpose is to cause fear and confusion, discouragement.

Watchman do nothing for their own purposes:

Isaiah 62:6 (YLT)

 On thy walls, O Jerusalem, I have appointed watchmen, All the day, and all the night, Continually, they are not silent.' O ye remembrancers of Jehovah, Keep not silence for yourselves,

The warning we take seriously for the times we are in now, are the messages to the churches.

Revelation 3:2 (DARBY)

Be watchful, and strengthen the things that remain, which are about to die, for I have not found thy works complete before my God

all that said, one can quote scripture to hold up any viewpoint one wishes, there is always a verse that is a fiery dart instead of a candle on a hill.  the same sword of the Spirit when flesh uses it to uphold flesh, is an attack against the fold, the flock.  the only difference is that now, in these times, the days are drawing down to the final battle and boldness is called for, the boldness that is upon believers for these days, one's anointed gifts, one's calling, one's ministry. 

Long has passed the polite drawing room ethos of the majority, condescending to bring people into a society of complacent heavenbound. we live in a post christian world, the work of the believer is to gird oneself with linen deeds of righteousness and cry for the oil in the lamps to be continually full and ready to be lit at the sound of the master's wheels in the driveway. . We are to be as Matthew 10:16, Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.the outpouring of Holy Spirit upon the Joel times is to train us to know the difference...for the preservation of the Bride

yet here is food for thought:

Standing Firm: How to Fight the Enemy

Standing firm means to hold the ground already taken in the face of an enemy counter-offensive. This is the appropriate stance for Christians. Christ has won the battle; we are to stand firm in the face of Satanic counter attack.

Stand is a common exortation in Paul’s writings, and always carries a defensive connotation.

–The Thessalonians are to “stand firm” in the midst of persecution (1Thess 3:8) and in the face of false teaching (2 Thess 2:15)

–The Philippians are to “stand firm” in the midst of persecution, and not to b cowed by fear of their opponents (Phil 1:27-28; 4:1)

–The Colossians are to “stand firm” in all the will of God, lest they be swayed by heresy or seduced by sin (Col 4:12).

–The Corinthians are to “stand firm” in the faith and do all things in the spirit of charity. (1 Corinthians 16:13, 14).

These exortations to “stand” suggest that the Christians are under attack; it does not call them to initiate an attack against Satan. This is why James says we must “resist the devil” (Jas 4:7). Because the enemy prowls like a hungry lion, Peter says we must be vigilant, resisting and withstanding him (1 Pet 5:8, 9).

This is what the Bible teaches about spiritual warfare.

1. The Weapons of Our Warfare. Ephesians 6:10-17 mentions the weapons of our warfare: “Wherefore take unto you the whole armor of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; and your feet shod with the preparation of the Gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God.”

Indeed, the “weapons of warfare are not carnal” (2 Corinthians 10:3-5), for the combat equipment consists of:

1. The belt of truthfulness

2. The breastplate of righteousness

3. The shoes of the Gospel of peace

4. The shield faith

5. The helmet of salvation

6. The sword of the Spirit

These essential items emphasize the basic Christian disciplines that encourage true character development.

2. The Prayer of the Warfare. It is worthy of note that even though the Ephesians 6 passage mentions both warfare and prayer, it never uses “warfare prayer.” But even if the apostle Paul had mentioned “warfare prayer,” it is important to understand what such a prayer entails. He writes:

Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints; and for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the Gospel, for which I am an ambassador in bonds: that therein I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak” (Ephesians 6:18-20).

Prayer is not an addition to the spiritual armor identified in Ephesians 6:14-17. Rather, it is the atmosphere in which all the fighting should take place. As we put on the full armor and as we undergo the demands of the warfare, we must at the same time (and at all times) be engaged in prayer. Since all of us are engaged in the spiritual battle, the prayer in the warfare is for all—not some elite “prayer warriors” or some “generals of intercession.”

Antsy on a Wednesday

peace is hard to come by sometimes. i was reading over some spiritual warfare material i had in a folder and it struck me that i have left the offensive in some arenas... strongholds came down, Holy Spirit came in and replaced them with wholeness and vision.

Somewhere here, i left my sword of the Spirit in its sheath, tucked on a shelf, relying on 'good' articles and manifestation of Holy Spirit in church. Constant communication throughout the day with my Abba; holding up everything to Him, #every.little.thing. is keeping me close. Him loving on me is one amazing thing but something is missing when my sword is missing. Where is the searing revelation, the ability to rout the enemy, the denial of infirmities, the illumination of spirits as they come against the authority He has given me?

So i defend my realm, better than i used to, better equipped, better planning and more thorough coverage, yet the sweetness of Holy Spirit's presence and the faith in His presence are so much better when the Sword lies at my side singing His words to me, infusing me with the eternal water of life. just sayin.

the new song Blessings by laura story is profound. http://www.laurastorymusic.com/bio
things have never been more upside down for me. a friend got tagged really hard when he uttered the word 'turmoil' in regards to my circumstances. i hardly realize that there are so many thing out of my control, things in the works, problems with no easy solutions, relationships that are bullet ridden, prayers that are being answered in ways that hurt my heart. . .

so between the Word, the Spirit, the Water of Life and a song, i am reminded that all is in all. . . that all things work together for good, that we have power and sweetness and angelic help.

That hell cannot prevail against the Sword of the Word. or the believers who wield it.

http://www.truthnet.org/spiritual-warfare/

Already the middle of July

here i am, sitting in my chair, tet hose on, feeling so depressed it's not even funny. not a hot summer day, but one of those indeterminate days of western wa.

broke, left hip incision is hurting badly. i went in for a total hip replacement on July 11th,  got home on the 12th in the afternoon. i couldn't face staying there. the Duramorph shot they gave me worked like superman until wednesday. so home it is. t.  kneeling down to put on my underwear and take off my scrub pants. t.  bringing my Powerade, making sure i have fresh icepacks. wrapping me up in pillows and ice and making sure i have my pills. 

i have to write in my personal journal about this interaction. it touches me deeply.

the remorse over my lack of family, the genuine grief over my sons, all are haunting me big right now.

so it is really true, one day at a time. one never knows when alone is a season outwardly, although much of the time one is prepared to be alone internally, or at least have comes to grips with what that means. the boys will scatter, our family isn't real closeknit, so i can expect many days, months, years alone.. in my head with all the things that got me there. to that place, that moment.

hindsight. hard lessons. life is a road less traveled, but i still aim for the goal of having loved ones around me, i gear my tensile strength for being in that challenge. To create the kind of space where love travels with me.

i heard a word today, " ~Ironically, the person most determined to be the demon in your life is the very same person you have been assigned to as their angel..~ i get that.

The Challenge- Pray or Run

CONTROL ISSUES COULD SURFACE
Intense feelings may not be easy to hide now. The challenge is finding the best way to express them without going too far. Whoever may be making you angry is only the trigger, not the real cause. Look within far enough and you may find some core issues about power and control that are the real culprits. You can use this time to overcome incredible obstacles. Just make sure that these are the real obstacles that you want to move. Focus your activities to the most essential, and your force can be like a laser able to cut through anything.

The Jezebel spirit is alive and well. I was told to "command it". only thing is it is only good if one mate IS 100% sure that God has put them together. a believer tie is productive but the 'two becoming one' tie is the one that gives authority.

we spoke again about authority and the believer and speaking things into existence .. no wishful thinking but god given discernment putting to death the strongholds of the enemy's lies.

the key here is that the battle may last an hour or a year so be prepared to keep standing in readiness to expose and destroy every lie, every weapon that is used to keep this person in bondage. generational incestual psychosexual bondage. Complete with false personas, compulsive emotional behavior including lying and a deep split between identities.

the other key is that the person must be willing to recognize the spirit, more difficulty lies in the person owning the cause and effect, bedrock question then becomes, "are you tired of living this way?" "Do you want to be free". Much like Jesus asked the man if he wanted to see.

I tremble at the consequences either way.  a mate, having already been treated to a taste of the denial and spirit that has the power, complete attack mode. no sense of personal responsibility or awareness of evil. No guilt, no remorse, no wish to be free.

Once the healing of chains wrapped around the person's head was accomplished on june 12th, there was a physical manifestation of migraine headaches disappearing completely. the comcomittent  result was an attack by the spirit that manifested in old habits of emotional gratification through old cyberspace addictions . From there a short step to emotional attachments, secrecy and the deception that proves a 'normal' healthy relationship or marriage impossible to maintain. this is a pattern that has already been established and one reason why the 'past' is a subject not easily spoken of.

when i realized this was the continuing battle, i counseled the mate to set aside grief and allow Holy Spirit to instruct. as the one closest, the one in a God blessed relationship despite the methods used to get there, believing in a man's honor and word when in actuality very little of that exists except to manipulate situations and emotions. . . a clean love clearly desired. . .

There was an outpouring of the spirit, the mate spoke aloud and claimed this man for Christ and cleanliness and the blessed believer tie. The spirit was told it had no claim, that it had been bound and or broken and could not come in and do as it wished. that this man belonged to Christ and that its efforts were null and it must leave him alone. As i interceded alongside this sister, we wept the tears of godly sorrow, so intense. Forgiveness under offense, so sweet.

Grant the courage and the speech of the Spirit to pray the generational mother child unclean spirit cast from this man. Grant the knowledge in his spirit that this is truth. for the difficulty of these kinds of challenges, remember God goes before us to fight. He is the only one that can open up  heads and heal the very essence there that was created to be a son of God in all purity and truth.

the original question, " given the nature of the problem, the history, proven past facts IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE FOR THE AFFLICTED ONE TO FORM A REAL ATTACHMENT,  do the outward signs reflect the real person or just the persona created for this relationship?"

From a sister in Christ who is also an intercessor "Valuable questions, do you really feel in your heart, in your soul, that this relationship is what God has for you? Is this His will for you? Is this your true heart's desire? If you believe that God desires you to be in this relationship, then He will help you find a way to sustain it. If it is not His will, which I believe is the same as your true heart's desire, then He will help you find the way that is meant for you, and for ____.

We are looking at three separate issues: God's will for you, God's will for ___, God's will for you as you are in this relationship right now. Of course, God wants us all to do what is right. But seek deeper into your soul for the truest answer -- is this meant to be?" I think the real peace is to be found there.

It Rained

the second day of summer it rained. another first line. lots of rain this summer. not sure if it is the prayers or the season or the sure knowledge that i am lost that makes the rain so bearable.

finally a couple of days pst the solstice and the dusk is at 10:30 at night and the mornings are balmy and birdy, i realize, "it's summer". there is no joy in that.

this is the year of the hip replacement (s) plural. the other one, left hip, on July 11th. fighting real pain everyday to get to work to make enough money to pay the bills in august. emailing the landlord.

wouldn't be so bad, but the relationships here i have been praying for are falling apart.

the devoted dad, L. deciding that raising his daughter has held him back from achieving his goals. so momma has her. little girl has no security. everything changes at the whim of the adult currently in charge. a thouroughly unpleasant little three year old. more than sad, it is being shuffled off and not being loved by two. my guilt is in not being there to take possession and provide sanctuary because i was in a life breakdown.

the 18 yearold, full of his own physical juices and the strength of knowledge that he narrowly is escaping the clutches of meth addiction by now. his youth destroyed, his dreams are nightmares, his love is his blanket to cover the fear and pride. She is his savior and his bearer of burdens. i would think a good life partner, but she is willing to trade her welness for his, not good. the alcoholism is more than distressing, it is an evil demon from generation to generation reaching out to claim that which i continue to pray against, my warrior inner woman doubts the goodness of the Lordi n the land of the living.

The youngest at 16, rebelling this summer, getting high all day long, wandering about, no job, no real privacy because the 18 year old invades his room with the girl and makes him crazy. everyone is touchy. everyone wants me to fix what is broken.

THE INTERCESSOR: keeping from being broken in a relationship with a dual person. Christian and musician and this and that on the surface. dark fantasies and hidden lives swimming through the salvation of normal.

pray for truth to overcome a lack of sense of personal responsibility or accountability. There are manya former loves who were defrauded and victimized and no woman wants to be the latest in the line of that kind of love.

There is a sense of righteousness and indignation. but the villain and victim are shadow mirror images. Is there a need for the Word, for Bible reading if voices tell you what is good and right? the history of women authorities and loves consistently bailing him out, lies covered, wandering lusts sanitized, when they no longer can face the truth of him either.

What good does it do to ask God is this His best for me? i need the touch, the affection, the partnership. Is the price silence and acceptance or constant intercession.  It takes its toll on my heart health.

i am truly lost in this season and all the manifestations are gone from me. Whatever the surety of the Kingdom was in the beginning, complicity in evil has rendered it null and void.

So i pray for today, try to not be a victim of tomorrow, and sure as hell i don't want to think about yesterday.

Painful chapters that refuse to close. God is truly writing a new chapter in my life at 50, so why would He tease me with the idea of true love that doesn't exist here on earth. i am being used. again. by everyone.

liars. liars. liars. rain helps.

The Word was a Download

tonight it finally hit me. i have a new hip. no pain. but its not really to much fun when the left hip now is not functioning at all. lots of pain, severe weakness. worse than the right one ever was. i got all emo about it this afternoon and cried.

the what-ifs are staggering. loss if income for one, loss of house, of Jeep, loss of everything i worked for.

overwhelmed.

T. can't deal with my fear.. he went out to smoke. when he came back in he said he had a download. normally i would put it into my Word Book, but i thought i would do it this way.

" God gave you a new hip. it is strong. You are to use it to balance out the other one. The left hip  i will cause to have less pain until you can get it done, use your right hip."

i am not sure of the genuine-ness but it was an encouragement none the less. he knows better than to mess with the Word. so there it is.

now i am waiting for the usps power's that be to let me go back to work. how dare they hold up my return to work! how dare they. i am so angry at the useless beauracracy of the way they work things. my doctor has been doing these for thirty years, is nationally known in his field and they are questioning him? that three weeks and two days is too soon?

my hip is fine damnit. its the other one that is making me cry. i really wrestle with the healing thing, like when i sliced up my knuckle and it got infected instead of healed. the hip being replaced instead of being healed. praying for T2 and his knee not being healed.

June, July, August

 

     Everybody thinks they'll never get married at your age.
You think you can go on all your life being single,
but you suddenly find out that you can't.